9:23 am. The light streaming through your vertical blinds attacks your eyes like an ice pick, boring its way into the depths of your aching brain. Slowly, uncertainly, you crack one eye open, bracing yourself for the throbbing pain you’ve come to expect on Sunday morning. The light is too much to take and as you begin to roll over you catch a glimpse of long, black hair haphazardly covering the other pillow.
You follow the hair back to its source: the head of a stunningly beautiful woman, mysteriously asleep in your bed. In a rush, like a highlight reel from a morning sports show, the events of the night before flood back. Shots. Lots of shots. The black-haired woman approaches you. You begin to talk. You begin to do more than just talk. It slowly comes to you that you may just have had the best night of your life.
Now, what the hell is her name? Mary… Melinda… Marnie… Melissa! That’s it!
Even with your thoughts clouded by the booze that’s still coursing through your system, you realize that the next decision you make is utterly crucial. Do you want to see her again, or not?
Don’t care if she ever comes back? Wake her up and hand her a box of Cheerios. Milk’s in the fridge.
However, if you some day want to re-live waking up next to this beautiful woman, you’re going to have to do better than that. That’s when you turn to the Morning-After Apple Pancakes.
These things are ridiculously easy to make, but are guaranteed to make an impression.
Morning-After Apple Pancakes
- Pancake mix (Try to get a good organic one like Bob’s Red Mill. I like to use their gluten-free version because you can mix the hell out of it and your pancakes won’t get tough. It also gets nice and crispy around the edges)
- 2 apples
- 2 tablespoons (“T”) of Cinnamon
- Eggs (as many as the pancake mix calls for)
- Buttermilk (even if the pancake mix just calls for regular milk, I find the buttermilk gives them better flavour)
- Fresh berries
- Maple Syrup (real maple syrup! If you use Aunt Jemima she’ll never come back and you’ll be alone forever. Seriously.)
First, grate both apples, skin on, into a large bowl. Pull all the apples together into a ball and give it a good squeeze to get as much of the juice out as possible. Pour the juice down the drain. Now dump in the pancake mix and prepare according to the instructions. I usually like to use a little more buttermilk than the recipe calls for.
Add the cinnamon. It may seem like a lot, but it works great with the apples. Now give it all a mix and, if you’re using regular pancake mix, let it sit on the counter for 15 minutes so the glutens can relax. If you’re using gluten-free mix, just let it sit 5 minutes to make sure all the mix is well moistened.
Heat a pan to medium and rub a stick of butter onto the pan. Use enough to cover the whole pan; We’re not trying to be healthy here, we’re trying to impress the girl in your bed. Pour in a ladle-full of pancake batter and shake the pan a little to distribute it evenly. When the edges start to brown and bubbles start to push themselves to the surface, flip the cake over. Once both sides are nicely browned, transfer to a plate, top with fresh berries (try to pile them up in the middle of the pancake) and pour the maple syrup over top.
Serve in bed.